Frustration with Leone!
I couldn't sleep last night because I was so mad at Leone. This is what I get for trying to be fair. On Monday, I went to pick Leone up from school and one of his teachers came to me to tell me that she was concerned because he was unprepared for class at least once, and that he had gotten two progress reports in the past week! On the ride home I told Leone that of course I would have to tell his mother about this because it was serious. Leone begged and pleaded for me not to and all I could say was that it was my job to. Then, after thinking it over, I came to the conclusion that in the heart of the issue, the problem was between Leone, Caterina, and the teacher. I, only being the messenger, was not really an active player in this scene aside from my job as his tutor and making sure that he does his homework (As far as this is concerned, I ask him what homework he has when I pick him up from school, I make him turn off the TV and do his homework at some point in the evening, and then I ask him again if he is sure he has done all his homework and that it's in his bag ready to go in the morning. Aside from being there to help him if he has questions and checking over his math and english homework, there is not much else I can do). So, in the spirit of maturity and Leone's hopeful ascent into manhood, I offered him this compromise: He could tell his mom about what the teacher said instead of me telling her, and he must do it at the very next available opportunity he had. No stalling. I felt this was a good compromise for several reasons. Firstly, as long as he included the three main points of the conversation with the teacher, he could word it however he wanted, thus giving him a chance to present his side of the story. Secondly, this news coming from Leone's own mouth conveys responsibility and maturity, which hopefully, would help soften the blow of the news itself. I was quite happy with my solution to this problem. I thought it was the perfect resolution. Leone happily accepted my offer. Well, Caterina had been out of town for two days for her work, and so last night was the night she returned home, and thus, showtime for Leone. I told him that tonight was the night to tell her and I even told him that I was going to follow up with Caterina to make sure that Leone said everything he was supposed to and to discuss it generally. Well, after they had spent a few minutes alone together and Caterina had gone off to do something else, I asked Leone if he had talked to her. He said he had. When I asked what her response was, he couldn't think of anything so he admitted that he hadn't told her. I was slightly angry at this, but shrugged it off and told him to do it immediately. I went back to studying for my italian class. In a few minutes I walked into the center room to see Caterina saying goodnight to Leone. Then she kissed him on the forehead and went upstairs to bed. I of course asked him again if he had had this discussion with her. He said he had. I didn't believe him. Anyway, the main point of all this is that I couldn't sleep because I was racking my brain trying to think of ways to turn him into an honest man. Suggestions? If this was the first thing he had lied about it would be bad, but not so bad. But Leone lies constantly!! I ask him if he's taken his bath yet, he lies. I ask him if he's done his homework and apparently he's been lying to me about that too. I asked him again this morning, “Are you sure you talked to your mom about my conversation with the teacher? Because I'm going to ask her if you did and if you've lied to me there are going to be consequences.” “Yes Jimmy I talked to her, I told her everything” Later that day I see Caterina and the first thing I ask her is if Leone had talked to her. This was the first she'd heard of it! I tell her the whole story about the teacher, the compromise, the lie, and how I think Leone should be punished. She agrees to my suggestion of one week without TV.
I couldn't sleep last night because I was so mad at Leone. This is what I get for trying to be fair. On Monday, I went to pick Leone up from school and one of his teachers came to me to tell me that she was concerned because he was unprepared for class at least once, and that he had gotten two progress reports in the past week! On the ride home I told Leone that of course I would have to tell his mother about this because it was serious. Leone begged and pleaded for me not to and all I could say was that it was my job to. Then, after thinking it over, I came to the conclusion that in the heart of the issue, the problem was between Leone, Caterina, and the teacher. I, only being the messenger, was not really an active player in this scene aside from my job as his tutor and making sure that he does his homework (As far as this is concerned, I ask him what homework he has when I pick him up from school, I make him turn off the TV and do his homework at some point in the evening, and then I ask him again if he is sure he has done all his homework and that it's in his bag ready to go in the morning. Aside from being there to help him if he has questions and checking over his math and english homework, there is not much else I can do). So, in the spirit of maturity and Leone's hopeful ascent into manhood, I offered him this compromise: He could tell his mom about what the teacher said instead of me telling her, and he must do it at the very next available opportunity he had. No stalling. I felt this was a good compromise for several reasons. Firstly, as long as he included the three main points of the conversation with the teacher, he could word it however he wanted, thus giving him a chance to present his side of the story. Secondly, this news coming from Leone's own mouth conveys responsibility and maturity, which hopefully, would help soften the blow of the news itself. I was quite happy with my solution to this problem. I thought it was the perfect resolution. Leone happily accepted my offer. Well, Caterina had been out of town for two days for her work, and so last night was the night she returned home, and thus, showtime for Leone. I told him that tonight was the night to tell her and I even told him that I was going to follow up with Caterina to make sure that Leone said everything he was supposed to and to discuss it generally. Well, after they had spent a few minutes alone together and Caterina had gone off to do something else, I asked Leone if he had talked to her. He said he had. When I asked what her response was, he couldn't think of anything so he admitted that he hadn't told her. I was slightly angry at this, but shrugged it off and told him to do it immediately. I went back to studying for my italian class. In a few minutes I walked into the center room to see Caterina saying goodnight to Leone. Then she kissed him on the forehead and went upstairs to bed. I of course asked him again if he had had this discussion with her. He said he had. I didn't believe him. Anyway, the main point of all this is that I couldn't sleep because I was racking my brain trying to think of ways to turn him into an honest man. Suggestions? If this was the first thing he had lied about it would be bad, but not so bad. But Leone lies constantly!! I ask him if he's taken his bath yet, he lies. I ask him if he's done his homework and apparently he's been lying to me about that too. I asked him again this morning, “Are you sure you talked to your mom about my conversation with the teacher? Because I'm going to ask her if you did and if you've lied to me there are going to be consequences.” “Yes Jimmy I talked to her, I told her everything” Later that day I see Caterina and the first thing I ask her is if Leone had talked to her. This was the first she'd heard of it! I tell her the whole story about the teacher, the compromise, the lie, and how I think Leone should be punished. She agrees to my suggestion of one week without TV.
posted by J.B.K. at 5:56 AM
6 Comments:
One week w/o tv is a good one. You shouldn't mix up the punishments though. I think you should make it clear that the no tv is either for lying, or its for the two report cards from the teacher. Then, make a different punishment for the other thing.
Seems like you've got a kid with advanced jimmyitis on your hands. I bet you can come up with something.... just don't expect anything overnight. I have a brother who used to have jimmyitis pretty bad, and it took years to bring it under controle.
Two things. I am sure that there will soon be some type of repeat of this incident. when it happens, you must tell Leone, that sorry, you must tell his mother yourself, because he lied to you and you can no longer trust him. He needs to see that his lying has consequences involving loss of trust.
Also, you must find ways of punishing Leone that don't involve his mother. That way, you have control of adminstering them in an unwavering manner.
One other thing, probably easy for you since you have no real emotional involvement, but always keep cool and reasonable, possibly just a touch sad, when discussing these things with Leone. He is used to the volatile, emotional exchanges with and between his family members. Your approach needs to be different.
Dad
Such good advice from Matt and Dad--I can't really add much. Try not to lose too much sleep over Leone--just tell yourself you're doing the best you can and let it go. One other thing (that I learned the hard way) is to keep trying different consequences. Eventually you'll hit on one that will work (for a while anyway).
Hey kid,
There's a thing called a point sheet. It is a part of a system of earning privileges. It goes like this. You, Mom, Dad and Leone sit down and discuss the things that Leone can earn by earning points. Each day, he has a point sheet with little boxes on it for certain behaviors--tells the truth, does homework, takes bath, etc. (Behaviors on one side, days of the week across the top). Not more than 3 or 4. If, at the end of the day, he has done all those things--shows you homework, is wet behind the ears, etc., he earns his points for that day. (How you can be sure he's done these things is discussed ahead of time with everyone.) At the end of the week, if he has an acceptable number of points, (discussed ahead of time) he gets a privilege--McDonald's, or favorite TV show, etc. If he has not, he does not earn those things. The key is to, as your dad said, somewhat sadly point out each time that, because he has lied about something, he is not earning his points for that behavior. You're right, the key is Mom and Dad supporting you in your efforts. You might want to get them to sign a written contract to support you in your efforts. (Maybe they need consequences!)
The other part of this is to reward him, honestly and sincerely, ("Hey Leone, I saw that you did your homework without me bugging you! Good job.") when you catch him doing right. Also, be sure to tell the parents when he does something right. I used to give out raffle tickets,( little pieces of paper when you catch him doing right; when he gets a certain number, he earns something) telling why the kid got them, so I was training myself to NOTICE when someone was doing good. It's the most powerful tool you have.
The point sheet is part of a bigger tool, a Level System. This means, as he does things right, over and over, he earns more and more privileges--driving the car in the driveway, able to go places more on his own, commiserate with his demonstrated more responsible behavior. You are also right that the key is consistency--if he can get away with it, he will. But he doesn't want to--he really wants someone to care enough to be on top of what he's doing. It's a sign of caring to take the trouble to consequate.
You're absolutely right--if you don't get this behavior under control, you will have more and more troubles throughout the year. Leone really wants someone to hold him accountable for what he's doing. It shouldn't have to be you, but it sounds like it is.
The very best tool I ever, ever had was service-learning. If you get his parents' permission, and, this is the most critical part, ASK LEONE WHAT PROBLEMS OUT IN THE COMMUNITY HE WOULD LIKE TO SPEND HIS ENERGY SOLVING, and then doing that, you would see a big change. All the other things--taking away TV, losing privileges, are you externally putting things on him. If he is given a voice (I bet no one ever asks him what he would like to do as a mature young man), he will rise to the opportunity. You must ask him, sincerely and with an open mind, not what you think he should do, what he would like to do solving problems in his community, he will respond. Ask the folks if you can have $20 or whatever, research the thing he's interested in, let HIM take the lead in what you do, how it works, you'll be glad of the results. It's better than point sheets, consequenses, all that stuff. Of course, if he's acting like a brat, you can't take him into the community to do service . . .
Keep us informed--we're all interested.
http://webhome.idirect.com/~readon/lies.html
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